Discharged

Hi everyone!

I'm so sorry it's been a few months since i've written a post but i haven't been coping with my mental health problems. Over the months i've taken a few overdoses which i'm not proud of but i wasn't coping. Over the months, it's been a struggle and i needed to take a break from everything and just focus on recovery.

Big news - i've officially been discharged yesterday which is Thursday 12th December. I'm so pleased about that because my relationship with my psychotherapist hasn't been the best and, if anything, it's only been detrimental to my mental health. It was such a relief knowing that i didn't have to continue seeing her and now i can focus on getting better. Also, the therapist thought i was going to be really sad about me leaving and she even thought one of my overdoses was due to our ending. Well she was wrong. I'm not going to go into why i took all of the overdoses but i was definitely not feeling sad about our ending!

Yesterday i was late to her appointment and only had 15 minutes with her. It was annoying because i really wanted to tell her how she's made me feel but never mind. Good thing i have told her how i've felt in the past but yesterday i wanted to reinforce just how bad she's made me feel just so i get a bit of closure.

This morning i woke up and i felt this weird feeling. It's hard to explain that feeling. I wasn't sad i left camhs but i got the sudden realisation that i was on my own. I went from seeing a psychotherapist fortnightly, to weekly, to not seeing anyone anymore. I also realised that i'm going to be turning 18 soon which is scary as that means i'm officially an adult. I can't help but feel like i've wasted my childhood and my adolescence.

Now i have to wait until Monday to get my GP to refer me elsewhere but i don't know how long the referral process will take. It could take days, weeks, months, who knows? And between that time what will i do when i have a mental health crisis? I'm not saying i miss my therapist but she was better than nothing. Yes we've had a lot of disagreements but she was someone i turned to when i had problems. Unfortunately i haven't got a lot of support at home so really she was my only mental health support, despite me not liking her.

Although i don't like her, she has got to be the most interesting and irritating therapist i've ever met! And i made it to the end of the therapy with her. I never thought i would and i'm glad i did because at least now i can say that i tried my best with her, no it didn't always work, but the important thing is that i tried and that's something to take away. I persevered even when things weren't working out and i'm very proud of myself for that. I don't hate her at all; we just didn't have a successful therepeutic relationship and that is sad as i really wanted it to work.

I don't want to dwell on the past. I want to move forward and hope that my new therapist will be someone who's non-judgemental, caring, compassionate and someone who gets me.

Not getting discharged

So these last few days have been eventful. I don't even know where to begin. 

I sent an email to the psychotherapist requesting her to discharge me from CAMHS, and so she tried to get in contact with me regarding that, however i dodged her calls. So afterwards she emailed me and expressed how sorry she was about how i was feeling and that it might be helpful if we could about it. Feeling livid, i emailed her back and the content of the email wasn't very pleasant. It included a lot of swear words, discontent and fury. It was made clear that i wasn't going to return to the clinic.

Just after i sent the email, i began to experience verbal hallucinations which then tipped me over the edge and caused me to hang myself in an abandoned place. I was so close to dying but i was found and urged to go A&E - that didn't happen. I was still experiencing hallucinations and as soon as i got home, i started experiencing visual hallucinations which led to me feeling even more distressed. I was scared and sought help from the urgent out of hours advice line. Surprisingly, they weren't helpful which was disappointing because my first experience with them was really positive. 

After having the weekend to calm down, the psychotherapist got in contact with me and finally i agreed to see her on the day. The session didn't go so well as she told me she wasn't going to discharge me from the service, after i made it clear that i wasn't going to attend any more of her sessions. I guess the reason why perhaps she didn't want to discharge me was because if anything had happened to me and i got discharged, CAMHS would have a lot of questions to answer. So i'm gutted i can't get discharged. I just don't think this service is doing me any good. She then added that she was going to get in contact with my GP and my mum about the series of events so that led to me feeling even more distressed and storming out of the session. She reminded me of the deal i made with the psychiatrist. The deal was that if i experienced any more crisis then i am at risk of being put into inpatient care.

Feeling like i had no one to turn to, i went to see my mentor and connexions worker, and i just broke down crying. They were amazing with me and got me to see a clinical psychologist which was helpful. I really do love these people and they just put a smile on my face. I really don't know what i'd do without them and i'm just glad i've got this support network.

New mentor & connexions

Recently, I got referred by CAMHS to see a mentor who can help me with practical things such as college applications. I met with my new mentor and I have to say i'm pleased about the fact that she's working with me. I felt as though she was really approachable and easy to talk to - qualities I would look for in a mentor. We got on so well that the session went on for two hours rather than 45 minutes because we're both very talkative!

I spoke to her a little bit about my history with mental health problems, and hearing her comments about me were very interesting. She told me that i'm very extrovert, kind, friendly and someone with great people skills. It was very interesting to hear that because I perceive myself as someone who's very unpleasant, boring, rude and pessimistic but i guess not everyone perceives me the way I perceive myself. Her comments gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside and for the first time I actually accepted them as compliments. I'm glad I come across as all those things she mentioned and maybe it's timeIi start believing all the compliments people give me, rather than thinking negatively about myself. It's going to be a challenge thinking positively about myself - but a necessary change.

Not only am I meeting with the mentor, but i'm also getting support from a lovely lady from connexions and a sexual health worker - which is great because now i'm getting support from a team of people. I haven't met with the sexual health worker but I have met with the lady from connexions and she's been helping me by calling up sixth forms and colleges to see if they're willing to accept me onto doing the chosen courses I wish to do. She also emailed my previous head of year because the sixth form team haven't been entirely supportive. Despite the fact that they knew I was struggling, they didn't provide me any intensive support, instead they withdrew me from my exams near the end of the academic year. As a result, this has left me at a disadvantage because now it's harder for me to get into sixth forms/colleges and do the courses I want to do. In all fairness, they should have withdrawn me from my exams a lot sooner rather than later. 

After having my connexions meeting, i've been kicking myself a lot about the fact that the school could have made me sit the exams another time. Due to  mitigating circumstances, exam boards do allow students to sit their exams another time. This is something I didn't know. Or they could have had someone sit with me in lessons and help me cope. Again this is something I  didn't know. Makes sense though - if a student had a broken hand they would be given a scriber. If a student had learning difficulties they would have additional support in place for them. So why is it that a student with mental health problems can't be provided additional support? I am an academically able student but unfortunately I did struggle and now I feel really let down. I might not get to do the courses I want to do. I might not get into sixth form or college. I might have to start looking for employment and i'm just not ready for that. It's really disheartening. I was vulnerable and going through a numerous amounts of mental health crisis. The school were aware of the fact that they could provide me additional support, but they didn't. And how was I suppose to know that I was entitled to get additional support? 

I am really happy about the fact that the issues are being addressed and it's great that i've got an advocate. But like anyone else would be, i do feel really upset. 

I'm not psychotic :)

Recently, things weren't great for me but i'm not going to go into detail on what happened to me. All i will say is that i had a police officer involved and social services and i had to go A&E. As a result, i had a review meeting today with the psychotherapist and psychiatrist and it has been concluded that i am not psychotic regardless of the hallucinations i experience. I'm actually happy about that because i hate labels and i would never agree to take medication. However, it leaves me wondering what's wrong with me. All i have been told is that i have emotional difficulties but to me that's not enough. After todays session i've been thinking of getting discharged from CAMHS because, thinking about it, maybe there's nothing wrong with me and continuing with them is pointless. Also they've given me the impression that there's nothing wrong with me. To be honest, i don't know what's wrong with me and i don't even know why i'm under their service. CAMHS haven't been totally helpful, if anything, seeing them has made my home situation worse. I just think there are people who need more help than i do and it's not fair to take that away from them. But overall i'm really pleased and i think i'm ok with leaving CAMHS. I know i believe in myself and i will cope on my own :)

Psychotherapy went well!

As you can tell from the title, psychotherapy went really well yesterday. For the first time I actually felt comfortable talking to the therapist and this is something she picked up on. She told me that she has seen a massive difference between the first session I had with her and yesterday's session. She also said that because I brought my friends in, that consolidates the fact that I feel comfortable enough to have them around. 

Two weeks ago, she told me she was worried because now that i'm no longer a student at the sixth form it means I wont be getting any support.

Which is why yesterday  she told me she booked me a session with a mentor, which will be taking place in two weeks time. I'm excited about that because now that means I will be getting further support. On the day, I will be getting more information on what I will be mentored on so hopefully I will write a post about that. 

Low mood update

Here I am, a mess. Feeling like i'm stuck in a perpetual state of sadness. One minute i'm optimistic about the future and the next i'm in the midst of negativity. I ask myself When will this vicious cycle end? Why do these negative feelings overpower the positive feelings? These are questions i can't even bring myself to answer. 

Although there have been moments where i've felt genuine euphoria - and i mean TRULY felt, for several months i've been feeling low almost every day. Only this time round there's something different about it. This time it feels intensely unbearable and it feels as though i've been sucked into this black pit and there's no way of getting out of it, because no matter how hard i try to climb back up i just keep slipping back down. The one thing that gave me a bit of comfort and relief from the bundle of negative emotions was self harming, but now it's not helping me. Perhaps it's a good thing that it's not helping me but at the same time it terrifies me. If self harming isn't helping me then what will? How do i escape from my low mood? I do fear the worst.

I feel like i've lost myself. All of the little attributes that made me who i am have been slowly dissipating into nothing. I used to be someone who always worried that i might hurt someone else's feelings. But now, i feel no emotions for them. I just don't care if i upset anyone as now I feel completely withdrawn from my friends and family. I used to be someone who would fight for a cause i believed in but now i've become vulnerable rather than a fighter. I've always been someone who's bubbly but now, according to my best friends,  i've lost that glint in my eyes.  I really hate how all the feelings which i've been trying to bury inside of me have started to unravel because now the people i love are beginning to see. These are only a few examples from my endless list but right now i'm finding it hard to reclaim my old self back and i know it will take a bit of work. I need to fight my inner demons through doing therapy and kick it's ass. I just don't know if i've got any fight left in me but i can only try. 

One thing that keeps going round and round in my head is how much of a failure i am. I've been feeling guilt ridden about several things but one of them was about the fact that i can't get a job and pay my bit for the family. I'm constantly compared to my cousins and i do wish i was more like them.  I just don't feel like i'm any use to myself or anyone. 

On a positive note, i got accepted to be part of the time to change youth panel which  i'm happy about. Hopefully, this will help build my confidence and make me feel good about helping to make a difference for young people. 

Psychotherapy update

Yesterday I had my fifth session of psychotherapy and I can't find a word which sums up how the session went. All of my previous sessions with the psychotherapist were awful but yesterday I felt as though she was trying. That's progress right? What I really appreciate is that yesterday she acknowledged that CAMHS have been messing me about. She then added that, rather than me having fortnightly sessions with her,  weekly sessions is what I deserve because of how the service has been and how keen I have been about recovery. So that's a positive. 

She then asked me to be honest about her and that whatever I say wont offend her. That was difficult but this was my opportunity to be completely honest with her. I told how I feel very uncomfortable talking to her and that it's very tough for me to open up my feelings to her. I then went on to speaking about how my sessions with my old psychotherapist were like and how it's very different from her sessions. Again, that's a positive because she listened to what I had to say and I was very vocal about how I felt. 

Even though the session with her was positive I can't help but feel guilty that I still feel uncomfortable talking to her. She's been trying and i'm here feeling the same. My instincts telling me to end the sessions with her but at the same time i'm too scared to. I'm scared that if I end the sessions I wont have anymore support. I don't know what to do. Maybe there's something wrong with me.

Stuck

What is stuck? To me being stuck is like trying on a dress which is too small and then being unable to get out of that dress. Being in that position would make a person feel helpless and anxious, almost as though there's no way of getting out of it. 

When you suffer from mental health problems being stuck isn't a nice place to be. You're running as fast you can from your problems but then finally reach a place you've never been to and that's when you begin to feel stuck. You start to feel despair, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, guilt and there's no way of escaping. You think to yourself 'hey maybe I can ask that person for help' but then you stop and think 'no way am I asking for help I can deal with this on my own'. However, you know deep down asking for help is the right thing to do. But despite knowing what the right thing is, you just continue to keep on running and feeling even more stuck. Being stuck isn't safe because then your still experiencing the feelings of despair, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness and guilt - except they're getting more and more intense. 

Most people who suffer from mental health problems feel helpless and believe they have no control over their lives. They may also feel as though the intensity of their problems is stopping them from recovering. The truth is we humans have the power to change all of that but it's about grabbing hold of what's being offered and trying them out. So for example if you've got depression and you're being offered psychotherapy then try that out, if that doesn't work then that's fine it's about finding what best suits you. Don't be afraid to explore because if you keep exploring you might finally find something that works best for you. You might find that actually CBT is helping you or maybe medication. If you don't explore then you will remain being in that stuck position and that wont help,  if anything, you will continue to feel worse and then become even more stuck.

Recovery will feel like a long road with bumps and turns but eventually the road will end. And once that road ends, you will then enter the road of living a happier and healthier life. In your road of recovery you will have your supporters root you on but also provide you help when you need it. Embrace those supporters with wide arms because those are the people you will need in your journey of recovery. You might be thinking you don't need them but trust me you do - I know I need them.

A poem by Max Ehrmann

Hi Everyone,

So things haven't been great for me lately in regards to my mental health problems but then I remembered that a teacher had shared this poem with me a year ago before she left to go travelling and today when I read it, I felt a great deal of comfort and so I wanted to share this poem with you all. Hopefully you can see why I love this poem. The poem is called Desiderata by Max Ehrmann.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
By Max Ehrmann 1927

You don't know what you've got until it's gone

One of my biggest regrets is ending my therapy sessions with my old therapist and getting referred to CAMHS.

My old therapist was so understanding, caring, compassionate and non judgemental. She was perfect. She spoke the same language as me so it wasn't difficult to explain to her the cultural side of things. She always had the right words to say and not once did I feel uncomfortable and unsafe around her. 

The reason why therapy didn't work out was because I wasn't ready to see her and I wasn't very open minded about therapy. My school, at the time, didn't give me much of a choice. They told me either I do therapy or they will tell my parents about me self harming, and so I chose therapy. The other reason why it didn't work out was because my parents didn't want me seeing her and because I value my parents so much, I ended the sessions for them. In hindsight, ending the sessions for my parents was the wrong thing for me to do because after I got discharged from that service I went through months of no support and that just made my problems escalate out of control. Another reason why therapy didn't work out was because I wasn't honest about my problems. I kept telling her one parts of my problems and not the other parts. This is why now I think it's incredibly important to be honest otherwise nobody can help you. 

The truth is I appreciate her so much more now because she did her very best to help me but I never appreciated the help she had given me. I made myself believe that she was a bad therapist when in fact she wasn't - it was me who was horrible. 

Now that i'm being seen by CAMHS I absolutely hate it. I've been seeing them for nearly a year and they haven't been very helpful. My problems just seem to be getting worse and worse and there's nothing they're doing about it. Over the months, all it's really been is assessments and seeing various different mental health professionals and i'm sick of it. They haven't helped me overcome my self harm, hallucinations, low mood, eating problems etc. It's just been assessments and quite frankly i'm bored of talking about my problems over and over again - it's emotionally draining. I don't understand exactly what CAMHS are doing to help me to be completely blunt. 

Also, I don't feel very comfortable with my psychotherapist. She's nothing like my old therapist. She's not understanding, caring or compassionate she's just someone who sits there shocked about everything I say and that's not very helpful. What I like about my old therapist is that her sessions didn't feel scripted it felt like a conversation whereas with the psychotherapist it feels very scripted. 

It's ironic how when I didn't want help I was assigned to an amazing therapist but now that I genuinely want help i've been assigned to a awful psychotherapist. The saying is very true - you don't know what you've got until it's gone. 

How to help someone with mental health problems?

Finding out your boyfriend, girlfriend, sister or friend has mental health problems can be difficult for anyone to come to terms with - whether it's depression, schizophrenia and anorexia etc. It can make us feel helpless because our loved ones are suffering and there's nothing we can do to help relieve the pain they're going through - it sucks. You might feel like you don't know what to do but hopefully this blog will be helpful to you in some ways.

Be supportive

First things first, It's important to understand that your loved one is going through a distressing time and the most important thing is to be there for them. Sometimes having mental health problems can make a person feel lonely and isolated and the last thing anyone needs is to be told to just 'snap out of it'. The best way, I think, to support someone with mental health problems is to sit down and listen to them. But please don't judge them. The issues they're going through is very real to them and it's affecting their life. 

Expectation

Don't expect them to tell you everything all at once. Bare in mind that talking about mental health issues isn't always easy for anyone to talk about, so just give them some time. 

Encourage

The next step is to encourage them to seek professional help. The best place to start is by taking them to their GP who will then refer them onto a mental health professional. However, the person may be reluctant to seek help so don't force them just keep supporting and encouraging them. If your loved one is already seeing a mental health professional then encourage them to be completely honest. 

You are important too

Sometimes it can be overwhelming to hear that someone you love has mental health problems and it's ok to feel like that. This is why it's important for you to talk to someone about this but It doesn't have to be someone you know. There are many helplines out there that you can call anonymously such as the Samaritans and Young Minds 

If any one of you have any problems or have any questions you want to ask me then please email me on nbwhisper@gmail.com

Feeling extremely low

*This post may be triggering so please don't read this if you're someone who gets easily triggered*

These past few weeks have been filled with a whirlwind of emotions. At one point I felt like my life had meaning and a sense of direction because I started thinking about possible career options and college applications. But now that doesn't seem to be enough for me. I'm back to the place where all my issues are at their deepest and are continuing to darken my mind.

My mood, these past few days, have been at an extreme low. I've been having passive suicidal thoughts, for example wishing I never woke up. I'm extremely low to the point that I don't have the energy to do anything. I can't even get changed or have a shower due to the lack of energy. I can't stop crying hysterically and i've been trying my best to fight the urge to cut. All these feelings of despair, loneliness, anxiety, worthlessness, guilt - these feelings are suffocating me. And every time I try to talk to someone I trust about this, it's as if the words begin to choke me. 

Sometimes no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I can pick myself up from a really, really down point, it just doesn't work. Right now it's Sunday morning for me and despite not having the energy to do things, I have been forcing myself to do some English Language revision. Forcing myself to do things is hard but i've done it and now I'm back to the stage where i want to cry again. It's tough because I thought i was stronger than this - clearly I'm not!

My low mood takes over me in ways that i'm unable to describe because you don't know when it's going to come, you don't know when it's going to capture you and it's so unpredictable. My low mood just seems to be taking my future away from me as far as possible, making it seem distant and unattainable. My future appears bleak to me and It's tough. Really tough.

I'm also tired of putting on a happy facade when deep down I feel lonely and upset. I don't want to pretend that my life is picture perfect to my family. I just want them to be near me and tell me they will always be there for me, or that they will help me fight this demon inside of me. More importantly, I want to feel the love i've been craving for years - something i've been deprived of. Things are really tough for me at the moment. Things have been tough these past few days and I really hope this storm ends. 

*TRIGGER WARNING* Hallucinations, suicidal thoughts, today

Today has been awful. First of all, I was hearing voices throughout the day and that was making me feel anxious as the voices were telling me to do things I didn't want to do. Then at the end of the school day, I was having a chat with my mentor and after that I headed home. On my way home, I started seeing distorted faces and some of them were floating while the others stayed in place. I was feeling really terrified as this was something I had previously experienced before. I then ran home in floods of tears and as I got home I started seeing insects all over the floor. That made me feel even more terrified, and so I ran into my room, locked the door and then put a towel underneath the door to prevent the bugs from coming into my room. Even more terrified - I called up my best friend, Amy, and explained to her what had happened and how that led to me feeling suicidal. She calmed me down and urged me to call the out of hours urgent advice service, which was on my CAMHS appointment card. I did exactly that and after talking to the person on the phone it helped ease my anxiety. She talked me through some distraction techniques that I could try out and then told me to go to A&E if I feel suicidal. 

I really don't want to live like this anymore and suicide feels like an appealing option. But on the other hand, there's a part of me that wants to fight this demon and live my life happy -it's difficult. I've got to think about college applications but after today, applying for colleges is the last thing I want to think about. I'm really not bothered about education. 

I don't understand why I can't live a normal life like my friends. I feel like i'm going crazy everytime I hallucinate. I'm really hoping my psychotherapy sessions will help me overcome this because these sessions are all i've got and if psychotherapy doesn't help me then I don't know what i'm going to do. My greatest fear is never getting better because I know myself better than anyone and if I don't recover then I will seriously consider ending my life. I don't want that and I hope it can be avoided. 

I really, really want my life back :(

My first psychotherapy session - hated it!

If I were to sum up, in three words,  how the first psychotherapy session went it would be: awful, daunting and awkward. To be honest, that wasn't what I was expecting. I was expecting the session to be smooth and comforting. 

So here's the story:
As usual, my heart was racing and my palms were sweating when I was sitting in the waiting room, but a bit of anxiety is normal when meeting someone new. As soon as the psychotherapist walked into the waiting room and introduced herself I thought 'oh she seems nice'.

Once we went into the meeting room we exchanged small talk and then spoke about what kind of difficulties that I feel I need help in and what psychotherapy generally is. So it started off good but when I mentioned the difficulties I was experiencing it seemed as though she was unprepared for the meeting. 

As the meeting progressed, she really annoyed me. I don't even know where to begin. 

1-  She didn't show me any compassion when I spoke to her about a subject that was very difficult for me to talk about. 

2- She also told me she got a phone call from my mentor about something really serious. She asked me to corroborate if the person who contacted her was a school counsellor but i told her she's a mentor. Despite making it explicitly clear that she is my mentor and NOT my counsellor, the psychotherapist told me that it would be best if I stopped seeing my mentor as things would get 'messy' and i might get 'confused'. I found her quite patronising because i'm 17 and I think I can distinguish between the advice they both give so why on earth would i get confused? It was also upsetting because it almost felt as though I had to choose between them two. I adore my mentor and i'm not going to stop seeing her just because the psychotherapist said so.

3- I felt like I wasn't being listened to because, as I mentioned before, I made it clear that my mentor wasn't a counsellor. Also, when I spoke about difficult topics I felt like she totally ignored me.

4- At the start of the meeting I told the psychotherapist that I had left education but yet again she didn't listen because when I later mentioned that again she didn't react in a helpful way. She stared at me for a good 20 seconds and said nothing. She was just shocked and that made me feel quite bad and embarrassed. I didn't expect her to look surprised. After the awkward silence, her response was 'so here we are half way in to the session and you have just dropped a bombshell on me'. I was just speechless because she didn't listen to me properly, despite me making it clear at the start of the meeting that I had left education. I just couldn't form any words. 

To be honest, I found her really intimidating and I felt excruciating discomfort talking to her. However, I'm still going to continue seeing her and give her a chance because maybe this was just a bad start and I might feel comfortable with her in the upcoming sessions. But if she continues to make me feel uncomfortable then I will ask my psychiatrist to refer me to someone else.

Sorry about my long rant! I had to let it all out.

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Big decisions

So I had a meeting with my head of year and my withdrawal from all exams has been made official which means from here onwards I wont be attending school. 

I spoke to her about maybe just doing my English Language exam and she said that would be possible however I would need to speak to my English teachers to see what their opinion is regarding this. We also spoke briefly about applying to different sixth forms and colleges but this will be talked about in depth on a further date. I'm not going to lie i'm feeling really scared about going to another sixth form or college. It's going to be a big change for me but my mentor said she would help me with the transition rather than throw me in the deep end. 

This is a big decision that i've made and I don't even want to begin to think about how my parents will react when they find out. 

Tug of war

Things haven't been great lately. Well, things haven't been great for me this whole academic year. I feel like i'm in a tug of war. On the one end there's my grades and education but on the other end is my health and happiness. My head of year always tells me to put my health and happiness first before anything but I know she wants me to stay in education and get the grades I deserve - I want that too. I want to do well with my A-levels and I want to succeed but i feel like my future is just a blur. I'm at a point in life where I don't know what I want to do with my life and whether i've chosen the right A-level courses. 

To top it off, today has just been an awful day for me. I had to retake my History mock exam and whilst taking the exam I started hallucinating. I'm not going to go in depth about the hallucinations as that will be talked about in a different blog post. But when I started hallucinating i was terrified and I spoke about it with the year co-ordinator as she was present when the hallucination took place. To my surprise, she was really empathetic and caring which was shocking as she's not someone who comes across as caring. Anyways, she told me that she was concerned about my health and so she decided that it would be best for her to withdraw me from the exams and allow me to retake Year 12. It was a lot to process but after a hard, long think about it I thought i've got nothing to lose and maybe restarting the year would be a good thing. At least the time between now and september will give me the chance to think about the appropriate courses that I could choose and possible career options. Although today was awful, it ended on a positive note. 

I feel like everything is balanced because now I can focus on getting better and then start Year 12 again. I understand that recovery isn't straightforward as there will probably be bumps on this journey. I don't expect to be cured by september but what I do want is to be able to manage stressful situations better than i already do. 

I also thought i'd take this opportunity to thank my friend Karen for supporting me with the decision to restart Year 12. Love you. 

Thank you all for reading this post and I hope we can all embark on the journey of recovery. 

Does diagnosis matter?

Every time i'm talking to a stranger in the CAMHS waiting room, or when i'm having a conversation with a friend I am constantly asked what my diagnosis is. Now, honestly speaking, when I first started going CAMHS i was eager to know what was wrong with me. I wanted to know why i was feeling and behaving the way i was, I also wanted to know why i was experiencing hallucinations. I really wanted answers and i wanted to be cured. Of course, CAMHS are not here to magically cure you, me or anyone they're here to help me cope with the difficulties I am experiencing.

Back to the question of does a diagnosis really matter? The short answer to that is no it doesn't matter. Allow me to explain why - being given a diagnosis wont change how you feel or how you behave it will just put a label on it. So say for example  you've been  having the following symptoms: low mood, suicidal thoughts, increased/decreased appetite, less/more sleep and then you are diagnosed with depression, what difference will the label make? You're still going to be experiencing those symptoms but the only difference is that there's a label to it. What's more important being given a diagnosis or having those symptoms treated? I hope your answer is having those symptoms treated because that's what the mental health professionals are here for - to help treat those symptoms.

Now for those of you who, like me, haven't been given an official diagnosis.  Your problems are just as important as those who have been given a diagnosis. Just because you haven't been given a diagnosis of bulimia it doesn't mean the person next to you who's been diagnosed with bulimia is more important than you. Wrong - you both are equally important. You both are going through the same if not similar struggles and you both deserve to be helped, regardless of diagnosis. And if i'm honest, your diagnosis is for the mental health professional to know. This is because that way they can help give you the best treatment suitable to your needs. 

Before, I wanted to know what my diagnosis was but now I don't care. All i care about is recovering and living a happier and healthier life. I want to be able to live my life again and be myself again, rather than be the symptoms. I want all the symptoms to go away. 

To those of you who are seeing CAMHS or a different service I wish you all the best of luck and I hope you all recover! 

My self harm story (It may be triggering)

I first started self harming when I was in primary school and it started with me scratching and biting myself. At the time I didn't even know I was self harming, I didn't even know the term 'self harm' existed until I turned 14. Around the age of 12, I began using sharp objects to cut myself and nobody knew, except myself of course. Self harming became a little secret of mine and nobody could find out. But secrets don't last, well for me it didn't. A girl noticed how bad my arms were and made a huge deal out of it. She kept telling me to go to the medical room but i was adamant. Later, my English teacher came out to see what we were all bickering about and the girl had told her I had self harmed. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed and I wanted to get out of that situation. I promised the teacher I would go to the medical room but I didn't. A few minutes later, I had my head of year, year co-ordinator and the child protection officer looking for me and once they found me they took me in to the medical room. They asked me so many questions like did someone do this to you? Did you cut yourself? Why did you cut yourself? What did you use? Was the object clean? All these questions were just terrifying for me to answer. At the time I was already referred to a therapist so obviously the school notified her about this. 

So, the question I am always asked is why do I self harm? The answer to this is that self harming was a coping mechanism for me. It was a way for me to cope with the overwhelming feelings, it was a way for me to feel like I was in control of my body and that nobody could hurt me, It was a way for me to feel like I was alive. Self harm became a huge part of my life and I couldn't stop doing it as it was addictive. 

Another question I was commonly asked was did I learn to self harm from my emo friends? My answer to that is firstly these friends of mines were not emo, they see themselves as goths. Secondly, they didn't teach me how to self harm, in fact nobody did. None of my friends, at the time, were self harming and self harming was a topic which none of them understood.

I never liked talking about self harm with anyone due to the stigma around it. I also didn't want anyone knowing I self harmed incase they started doing it because of me. When I first found out a few of my friends were self harming there was always a part of me that thought it was all my fault and they started it because of me. I don't think there is anyone out there in the world who would want to feel like they are the cause of a person self harming - it's a horrible feeling. However, the other part of me thought maybe it wasn't because of me. Maybe I wasn't the reason why they did. 

Every self harmer has a different story and this is my story. Thank you for reading this. Love you all.

A bit about what I was experiencing

During my time at CAMHS,  I was never given an official diagnosis. But the reason why I got referred to CAMHS was because I told my mentor about the hallucinations that I was experiencing and how I was unable to cope with life. Initially, she suggested I see my old therapist again, who worked at a different service,  or see a different therapist. However, I refused only because the service wasn't funded by the NHS anymore, and I was reluctant to have the school pay for my treatment. So finally she suggested CAMHS to me and I agreed to seeing them. To admit to my mentor that I needed help was probably the hardest thing for me  but i'm so glad I did because if I didn't then all my problems might have escalated out of control and I would have caused permanent damage to myself. 

Low moods

Aside hearing voices and seeing things, for many years I was always feeling low. Every night I would cry myself to sleep and found that getting up for school was a huge effort for me. I didn't enjoy doing the things i used to enjoy doing and being around friends was something I hated.  I know it's unpleasant but my low moods had affected my relationships with my friends. However, these past few months I have been trying my best to be around them but there are days where I can't help but withdraw myself from them. My low mood is difficult for me to deal with and it is often something I find difficult to explain to any of my friends. Thankfully my two best friends, Amy and Dan, understood as they've been through similar situations as me. They've done everything they could to ensure  I was feeling safe and getting the help that I needed and I am truly grateful for having them in my life. Honestly, without their support I would not have had the courage to tell my mentor how I was feeling. 

Eating problems

I have always lacked confidence in myself and felt inadequate academically and weight-wise. I've always thought I was fat and this was partly because in Year 7 I was constantly told I was fat by my peers and that put a huge dent on my self esteem. Looking back at my pictures in Year 7, I was never fat in fact my weight was perfectly normal but back then i didn't see that. Since then, I would restrict what I was eating and I would over exercise. Once i hit year 10, I started purging and taking laxatives but this time it wasn't solely to do with losing weight, it was more about having control over my body and punishing myself. I really hated myself so much. During that time, I was being physically and emotionally abused and I thought it was all my fault. I thought I deserved it and I just kept on punishing myself. Even now in Year 12 i'm still battling with my eating problems. Although i've stopped taking laxatives, I still purge it's such an emotional experience having to go to the toilet and stick a finger down my throat every time I eat. It tears me apart. It also hurts me every time people at school make jokes about me eating food. It makes me feel worse than I already do and tempts me to purge even more. To them it might be a joke but to me it's not. If only they knew how much their words affect me. 

Thank you all for reading this long post and hopefully in my next blog I will go into more depth about my hallucinations and also talk about my experience with self harm and anxiety. This post has been difficult for me to write so apologies about my awful writing. I tried to be as concise as I could. Stay safe everyone, bye :)

Welcome to my first new blog!

Hi everyone! hope you're all good. So my upcoming blogs will talk about various mental health topics however right now i haven't decided what i'm going to write. But what i do know is that i will be talking about my experience with mental health problems. Recently on the website http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/ i made a pledge that i would write a blog about my mental health problems to help break stigma. Right now, i do want to stay anonymous online and hopefully as time goes by i will be able to put a face and a name to this blog once i feel comfortable! In the meantime, i want this blog to show you all that you are not alone and recovery is possible, whether it's from self harm or mental illnesses etc. Yes recovery isn't straightforward but with the right support recovery will be possible. I've been seeing CAMHS since October 2012 and finally i am going to be receiving treatment, which will be psychotherapy. In the coming weeks, I will write a blog to update you all on how it's going and whether i feel psychotherapy is helping. Stay safe everyone, bye :)