A bit about what I was experiencing

During my time at CAMHS,  I was never given an official diagnosis. But the reason why I got referred to CAMHS was because I told my mentor about the hallucinations that I was experiencing and how I was unable to cope with life. Initially, she suggested I see my old therapist again, who worked at a different service,  or see a different therapist. However, I refused only because the service wasn't funded by the NHS anymore, and I was reluctant to have the school pay for my treatment. So finally she suggested CAMHS to me and I agreed to seeing them. To admit to my mentor that I needed help was probably the hardest thing for me  but i'm so glad I did because if I didn't then all my problems might have escalated out of control and I would have caused permanent damage to myself. 

Low moods

Aside hearing voices and seeing things, for many years I was always feeling low. Every night I would cry myself to sleep and found that getting up for school was a huge effort for me. I didn't enjoy doing the things i used to enjoy doing and being around friends was something I hated.  I know it's unpleasant but my low moods had affected my relationships with my friends. However, these past few months I have been trying my best to be around them but there are days where I can't help but withdraw myself from them. My low mood is difficult for me to deal with and it is often something I find difficult to explain to any of my friends. Thankfully my two best friends, Amy and Dan, understood as they've been through similar situations as me. They've done everything they could to ensure  I was feeling safe and getting the help that I needed and I am truly grateful for having them in my life. Honestly, without their support I would not have had the courage to tell my mentor how I was feeling. 

Eating problems

I have always lacked confidence in myself and felt inadequate academically and weight-wise. I've always thought I was fat and this was partly because in Year 7 I was constantly told I was fat by my peers and that put a huge dent on my self esteem. Looking back at my pictures in Year 7, I was never fat in fact my weight was perfectly normal but back then i didn't see that. Since then, I would restrict what I was eating and I would over exercise. Once i hit year 10, I started purging and taking laxatives but this time it wasn't solely to do with losing weight, it was more about having control over my body and punishing myself. I really hated myself so much. During that time, I was being physically and emotionally abused and I thought it was all my fault. I thought I deserved it and I just kept on punishing myself. Even now in Year 12 i'm still battling with my eating problems. Although i've stopped taking laxatives, I still purge it's such an emotional experience having to go to the toilet and stick a finger down my throat every time I eat. It tears me apart. It also hurts me every time people at school make jokes about me eating food. It makes me feel worse than I already do and tempts me to purge even more. To them it might be a joke but to me it's not. If only they knew how much their words affect me. 

Thank you all for reading this long post and hopefully in my next blog I will go into more depth about my hallucinations and also talk about my experience with self harm and anxiety. This post has been difficult for me to write so apologies about my awful writing. I tried to be as concise as I could. Stay safe everyone, bye :)