Low mood update

Here I am, a mess. Feeling like i'm stuck in a perpetual state of sadness. One minute i'm optimistic about the future and the next i'm in the midst of negativity. I ask myself When will this vicious cycle end? Why do these negative feelings overpower the positive feelings? These are questions i can't even bring myself to answer. 

Although there have been moments where i've felt genuine euphoria - and i mean TRULY felt, for several months i've been feeling low almost every day. Only this time round there's something different about it. This time it feels intensely unbearable and it feels as though i've been sucked into this black pit and there's no way of getting out of it, because no matter how hard i try to climb back up i just keep slipping back down. The one thing that gave me a bit of comfort and relief from the bundle of negative emotions was self harming, but now it's not helping me. Perhaps it's a good thing that it's not helping me but at the same time it terrifies me. If self harming isn't helping me then what will? How do i escape from my low mood? I do fear the worst.

I feel like i've lost myself. All of the little attributes that made me who i am have been slowly dissipating into nothing. I used to be someone who always worried that i might hurt someone else's feelings. But now, i feel no emotions for them. I just don't care if i upset anyone as now I feel completely withdrawn from my friends and family. I used to be someone who would fight for a cause i believed in but now i've become vulnerable rather than a fighter. I've always been someone who's bubbly but now, according to my best friends,  i've lost that glint in my eyes.  I really hate how all the feelings which i've been trying to bury inside of me have started to unravel because now the people i love are beginning to see. These are only a few examples from my endless list but right now i'm finding it hard to reclaim my old self back and i know it will take a bit of work. I need to fight my inner demons through doing therapy and kick it's ass. I just don't know if i've got any fight left in me but i can only try. 

One thing that keeps going round and round in my head is how much of a failure i am. I've been feeling guilt ridden about several things but one of them was about the fact that i can't get a job and pay my bit for the family. I'm constantly compared to my cousins and i do wish i was more like them.  I just don't feel like i'm any use to myself or anyone. 

On a positive note, i got accepted to be part of the time to change youth panel which  i'm happy about. Hopefully, this will help build my confidence and make me feel good about helping to make a difference for young people. 

Psychotherapy update

Yesterday I had my fifth session of psychotherapy and I can't find a word which sums up how the session went. All of my previous sessions with the psychotherapist were awful but yesterday I felt as though she was trying. That's progress right? What I really appreciate is that yesterday she acknowledged that CAMHS have been messing me about. She then added that, rather than me having fortnightly sessions with her,  weekly sessions is what I deserve because of how the service has been and how keen I have been about recovery. So that's a positive. 

She then asked me to be honest about her and that whatever I say wont offend her. That was difficult but this was my opportunity to be completely honest with her. I told how I feel very uncomfortable talking to her and that it's very tough for me to open up my feelings to her. I then went on to speaking about how my sessions with my old psychotherapist were like and how it's very different from her sessions. Again, that's a positive because she listened to what I had to say and I was very vocal about how I felt. 

Even though the session with her was positive I can't help but feel guilty that I still feel uncomfortable talking to her. She's been trying and i'm here feeling the same. My instincts telling me to end the sessions with her but at the same time i'm too scared to. I'm scared that if I end the sessions I wont have anymore support. I don't know what to do. Maybe there's something wrong with me.

Stuck

What is stuck? To me being stuck is like trying on a dress which is too small and then being unable to get out of that dress. Being in that position would make a person feel helpless and anxious, almost as though there's no way of getting out of it. 

When you suffer from mental health problems being stuck isn't a nice place to be. You're running as fast you can from your problems but then finally reach a place you've never been to and that's when you begin to feel stuck. You start to feel despair, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, guilt and there's no way of escaping. You think to yourself 'hey maybe I can ask that person for help' but then you stop and think 'no way am I asking for help I can deal with this on my own'. However, you know deep down asking for help is the right thing to do. But despite knowing what the right thing is, you just continue to keep on running and feeling even more stuck. Being stuck isn't safe because then your still experiencing the feelings of despair, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness and guilt - except they're getting more and more intense. 

Most people who suffer from mental health problems feel helpless and believe they have no control over their lives. They may also feel as though the intensity of their problems is stopping them from recovering. The truth is we humans have the power to change all of that but it's about grabbing hold of what's being offered and trying them out. So for example if you've got depression and you're being offered psychotherapy then try that out, if that doesn't work then that's fine it's about finding what best suits you. Don't be afraid to explore because if you keep exploring you might finally find something that works best for you. You might find that actually CBT is helping you or maybe medication. If you don't explore then you will remain being in that stuck position and that wont help,  if anything, you will continue to feel worse and then become even more stuck.

Recovery will feel like a long road with bumps and turns but eventually the road will end. And once that road ends, you will then enter the road of living a happier and healthier life. In your road of recovery you will have your supporters root you on but also provide you help when you need it. Embrace those supporters with wide arms because those are the people you will need in your journey of recovery. You might be thinking you don't need them but trust me you do - I know I need them.