Low mood update

Here I am, a mess. Feeling like i'm stuck in a perpetual state of sadness. One minute i'm optimistic about the future and the next i'm in the midst of negativity. I ask myself When will this vicious cycle end? Why do these negative feelings overpower the positive feelings? These are questions i can't even bring myself to answer. 

Although there have been moments where i've felt genuine euphoria - and i mean TRULY felt, for several months i've been feeling low almost every day. Only this time round there's something different about it. This time it feels intensely unbearable and it feels as though i've been sucked into this black pit and there's no way of getting out of it, because no matter how hard i try to climb back up i just keep slipping back down. The one thing that gave me a bit of comfort and relief from the bundle of negative emotions was self harming, but now it's not helping me. Perhaps it's a good thing that it's not helping me but at the same time it terrifies me. If self harming isn't helping me then what will? How do i escape from my low mood? I do fear the worst.

I feel like i've lost myself. All of the little attributes that made me who i am have been slowly dissipating into nothing. I used to be someone who always worried that i might hurt someone else's feelings. But now, i feel no emotions for them. I just don't care if i upset anyone as now I feel completely withdrawn from my friends and family. I used to be someone who would fight for a cause i believed in but now i've become vulnerable rather than a fighter. I've always been someone who's bubbly but now, according to my best friends,  i've lost that glint in my eyes.  I really hate how all the feelings which i've been trying to bury inside of me have started to unravel because now the people i love are beginning to see. These are only a few examples from my endless list but right now i'm finding it hard to reclaim my old self back and i know it will take a bit of work. I need to fight my inner demons through doing therapy and kick it's ass. I just don't know if i've got any fight left in me but i can only try. 

One thing that keeps going round and round in my head is how much of a failure i am. I've been feeling guilt ridden about several things but one of them was about the fact that i can't get a job and pay my bit for the family. I'm constantly compared to my cousins and i do wish i was more like them.  I just don't feel like i'm any use to myself or anyone. 

On a positive note, i got accepted to be part of the time to change youth panel which  i'm happy about. Hopefully, this will help build my confidence and make me feel good about helping to make a difference for young people.