My self harm story (It may be triggering)

I first started self harming when I was in primary school and it started with me scratching and biting myself. At the time I didn't even know I was self harming, I didn't even know the term 'self harm' existed until I turned 14. Around the age of 12, I began using sharp objects to cut myself and nobody knew, except myself of course. Self harming became a little secret of mine and nobody could find out. But secrets don't last, well for me it didn't. A girl noticed how bad my arms were and made a huge deal out of it. She kept telling me to go to the medical room but i was adamant. Later, my English teacher came out to see what we were all bickering about and the girl had told her I had self harmed. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed and I wanted to get out of that situation. I promised the teacher I would go to the medical room but I didn't. A few minutes later, I had my head of year, year co-ordinator and the child protection officer looking for me and once they found me they took me in to the medical room. They asked me so many questions like did someone do this to you? Did you cut yourself? Why did you cut yourself? What did you use? Was the object clean? All these questions were just terrifying for me to answer. At the time I was already referred to a therapist so obviously the school notified her about this. 

So, the question I am always asked is why do I self harm? The answer to this is that self harming was a coping mechanism for me. It was a way for me to cope with the overwhelming feelings, it was a way for me to feel like I was in control of my body and that nobody could hurt me, It was a way for me to feel like I was alive. Self harm became a huge part of my life and I couldn't stop doing it as it was addictive. 

Another question I was commonly asked was did I learn to self harm from my emo friends? My answer to that is firstly these friends of mines were not emo, they see themselves as goths. Secondly, they didn't teach me how to self harm, in fact nobody did. None of my friends, at the time, were self harming and self harming was a topic which none of them understood.

I never liked talking about self harm with anyone due to the stigma around it. I also didn't want anyone knowing I self harmed incase they started doing it because of me. When I first found out a few of my friends were self harming there was always a part of me that thought it was all my fault and they started it because of me. I don't think there is anyone out there in the world who would want to feel like they are the cause of a person self harming - it's a horrible feeling. However, the other part of me thought maybe it wasn't because of me. Maybe I wasn't the reason why they did. 

Every self harmer has a different story and this is my story. Thank you for reading this. Love you all.