You don't know what you've got until it's gone

One of my biggest regrets is ending my therapy sessions with my old therapist and getting referred to CAMHS.

My old therapist was so understanding, caring, compassionate and non judgemental. She was perfect. She spoke the same language as me so it wasn't difficult to explain to her the cultural side of things. She always had the right words to say and not once did I feel uncomfortable and unsafe around her. 

The reason why therapy didn't work out was because I wasn't ready to see her and I wasn't very open minded about therapy. My school, at the time, didn't give me much of a choice. They told me either I do therapy or they will tell my parents about me self harming, and so I chose therapy. The other reason why it didn't work out was because my parents didn't want me seeing her and because I value my parents so much, I ended the sessions for them. In hindsight, ending the sessions for my parents was the wrong thing for me to do because after I got discharged from that service I went through months of no support and that just made my problems escalate out of control. Another reason why therapy didn't work out was because I wasn't honest about my problems. I kept telling her one parts of my problems and not the other parts. This is why now I think it's incredibly important to be honest otherwise nobody can help you. 

The truth is I appreciate her so much more now because she did her very best to help me but I never appreciated the help she had given me. I made myself believe that she was a bad therapist when in fact she wasn't - it was me who was horrible. 

Now that i'm being seen by CAMHS I absolutely hate it. I've been seeing them for nearly a year and they haven't been very helpful. My problems just seem to be getting worse and worse and there's nothing they're doing about it. Over the months, all it's really been is assessments and seeing various different mental health professionals and i'm sick of it. They haven't helped me overcome my self harm, hallucinations, low mood, eating problems etc. It's just been assessments and quite frankly i'm bored of talking about my problems over and over again - it's emotionally draining. I don't understand exactly what CAMHS are doing to help me to be completely blunt. 

Also, I don't feel very comfortable with my psychotherapist. She's nothing like my old therapist. She's not understanding, caring or compassionate she's just someone who sits there shocked about everything I say and that's not very helpful. What I like about my old therapist is that her sessions didn't feel scripted it felt like a conversation whereas with the psychotherapist it feels very scripted. 

It's ironic how when I didn't want help I was assigned to an amazing therapist but now that I genuinely want help i've been assigned to a awful psychotherapist. The saying is very true - you don't know what you've got until it's gone.