Feeling extremely low

*This post may be triggering so please don't read this if you're someone who gets easily triggered*

These past few weeks have been filled with a whirlwind of emotions. At one point I felt like my life had meaning and a sense of direction because I started thinking about possible career options and college applications. But now that doesn't seem to be enough for me. I'm back to the place where all my issues are at their deepest and are continuing to darken my mind.

My mood, these past few days, have been at an extreme low. I've been having passive suicidal thoughts, for example wishing I never woke up. I'm extremely low to the point that I don't have the energy to do anything. I can't even get changed or have a shower due to the lack of energy. I can't stop crying hysterically and i've been trying my best to fight the urge to cut. All these feelings of despair, loneliness, anxiety, worthlessness, guilt - these feelings are suffocating me. And every time I try to talk to someone I trust about this, it's as if the words begin to choke me. 

Sometimes no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I can pick myself up from a really, really down point, it just doesn't work. Right now it's Sunday morning for me and despite not having the energy to do things, I have been forcing myself to do some English Language revision. Forcing myself to do things is hard but i've done it and now I'm back to the stage where i want to cry again. It's tough because I thought i was stronger than this - clearly I'm not!

My low mood takes over me in ways that i'm unable to describe because you don't know when it's going to come, you don't know when it's going to capture you and it's so unpredictable. My low mood just seems to be taking my future away from me as far as possible, making it seem distant and unattainable. My future appears bleak to me and It's tough. Really tough.

I'm also tired of putting on a happy facade when deep down I feel lonely and upset. I don't want to pretend that my life is picture perfect to my family. I just want them to be near me and tell me they will always be there for me, or that they will help me fight this demon inside of me. More importantly, I want to feel the love i've been craving for years - something i've been deprived of. Things are really tough for me at the moment. Things have been tough these past few days and I really hope this storm ends.