Today has been awful. First of all, I was hearing voices throughout the day and that was making me feel anxious as the voices were telling me to do things I didn't want to do. Then at the end of the school day, I was having a chat with my mentor and after that I headed home. On my way home, I started seeing distorted faces and some of them were floating while the others stayed in place. I was feeling really terrified as this was something I had previously experienced before. I then ran home in floods of tears and as I got home I started seeing insects all over the floor. That made me feel even more terrified, and so I ran into my room, locked the door and then put a towel underneath the door to prevent the bugs from coming into my room. Even more terrified - I called up my best friend, Amy, and explained to her what had happened and how that led to me feeling suicidal. She calmed me down and urged me to call the out of hours urgent advice service, which was on my CAMHS appointment card. I did exactly that and after talking to the person on the phone it helped ease my anxiety. She talked me through some distraction techniques that I could try out and then told me to go to A&E if I feel suicidal.
I really don't want to live like this anymore and suicide feels like an appealing option. But on the other hand, there's a part of me that wants to fight this demon and live my life happy -it's difficult. I've got to think about college applications but after today, applying for colleges is the last thing I want to think about. I'm really not bothered about education.
I don't understand why I can't live a normal life like my friends. I feel like i'm going crazy everytime I hallucinate. I'm really hoping my psychotherapy sessions will help me overcome this because these sessions are all i've got and if psychotherapy doesn't help me then I don't know what i'm going to do. My greatest fear is never getting better because I know myself better than anyone and if I don't recover then I will seriously consider ending my life. I don't want that and I hope it can be avoided.
I really, really want my life back :(
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