Discharged

Hi everyone!

I'm so sorry it's been a few months since i've written a post but i haven't been coping with my mental health problems. Over the months i've taken a few overdoses which i'm not proud of but i wasn't coping. Over the months, it's been a struggle and i needed to take a break from everything and just focus on recovery.

Big news - i've officially been discharged yesterday which is Thursday 12th December. I'm so pleased about that because my relationship with my psychotherapist hasn't been the best and, if anything, it's only been detrimental to my mental health. It was such a relief knowing that i didn't have to continue seeing her and now i can focus on getting better. Also, the therapist thought i was going to be really sad about me leaving and she even thought one of my overdoses was due to our ending. Well she was wrong. I'm not going to go into why i took all of the overdoses but i was definitely not feeling sad about our ending!

Yesterday i was late to her appointment and only had 15 minutes with her. It was annoying because i really wanted to tell her how she's made me feel but never mind. Good thing i have told her how i've felt in the past but yesterday i wanted to reinforce just how bad she's made me feel just so i get a bit of closure.

This morning i woke up and i felt this weird feeling. It's hard to explain that feeling. I wasn't sad i left camhs but i got the sudden realisation that i was on my own. I went from seeing a psychotherapist fortnightly, to weekly, to not seeing anyone anymore. I also realised that i'm going to be turning 18 soon which is scary as that means i'm officially an adult. I can't help but feel like i've wasted my childhood and my adolescence.

Now i have to wait until Monday to get my GP to refer me elsewhere but i don't know how long the referral process will take. It could take days, weeks, months, who knows? And between that time what will i do when i have a mental health crisis? I'm not saying i miss my therapist but she was better than nothing. Yes we've had a lot of disagreements but she was someone i turned to when i had problems. Unfortunately i haven't got a lot of support at home so really she was my only mental health support, despite me not liking her.

Although i don't like her, she has got to be the most interesting and irritating therapist i've ever met! And i made it to the end of the therapy with her. I never thought i would and i'm glad i did because at least now i can say that i tried my best with her, no it didn't always work, but the important thing is that i tried and that's something to take away. I persevered even when things weren't working out and i'm very proud of myself for that. I don't hate her at all; we just didn't have a successful therepeutic relationship and that is sad as i really wanted it to work.

I don't want to dwell on the past. I want to move forward and hope that my new therapist will be someone who's non-judgemental, caring, compassionate and someone who gets me.