Psychotherapy update

Yesterday I had my fifth session of psychotherapy and I can't find a word which sums up how the session went. All of my previous sessions with the psychotherapist were awful but yesterday I felt as though she was trying. That's progress right? What I really appreciate is that yesterday she acknowledged that CAMHS have been messing me about. She then added that, rather than me having fortnightly sessions with her,  weekly sessions is what I deserve because of how the service has been and how keen I have been about recovery. So that's a positive. 

She then asked me to be honest about her and that whatever I say wont offend her. That was difficult but this was my opportunity to be completely honest with her. I told how I feel very uncomfortable talking to her and that it's very tough for me to open up my feelings to her. I then went on to speaking about how my sessions with my old psychotherapist were like and how it's very different from her sessions. Again, that's a positive because she listened to what I had to say and I was very vocal about how I felt. 

Even though the session with her was positive I can't help but feel guilty that I still feel uncomfortable talking to her. She's been trying and i'm here feeling the same. My instincts telling me to end the sessions with her but at the same time i'm too scared to. I'm scared that if I end the sessions I wont have anymore support. I don't know what to do. Maybe there's something wrong with me.

Stuck

What is stuck? To me being stuck is like trying on a dress which is too small and then being unable to get out of that dress. Being in that position would make a person feel helpless and anxious, almost as though there's no way of getting out of it. 

When you suffer from mental health problems being stuck isn't a nice place to be. You're running as fast you can from your problems but then finally reach a place you've never been to and that's when you begin to feel stuck. You start to feel despair, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, guilt and there's no way of escaping. You think to yourself 'hey maybe I can ask that person for help' but then you stop and think 'no way am I asking for help I can deal with this on my own'. However, you know deep down asking for help is the right thing to do. But despite knowing what the right thing is, you just continue to keep on running and feeling even more stuck. Being stuck isn't safe because then your still experiencing the feelings of despair, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness and guilt - except they're getting more and more intense. 

Most people who suffer from mental health problems feel helpless and believe they have no control over their lives. They may also feel as though the intensity of their problems is stopping them from recovering. The truth is we humans have the power to change all of that but it's about grabbing hold of what's being offered and trying them out. So for example if you've got depression and you're being offered psychotherapy then try that out, if that doesn't work then that's fine it's about finding what best suits you. Don't be afraid to explore because if you keep exploring you might finally find something that works best for you. You might find that actually CBT is helping you or maybe medication. If you don't explore then you will remain being in that stuck position and that wont help,  if anything, you will continue to feel worse and then become even more stuck.

Recovery will feel like a long road with bumps and turns but eventually the road will end. And once that road ends, you will then enter the road of living a happier and healthier life. In your road of recovery you will have your supporters root you on but also provide you help when you need it. Embrace those supporters with wide arms because those are the people you will need in your journey of recovery. You might be thinking you don't need them but trust me you do - I know I need them.

A poem by Max Ehrmann

Hi Everyone,

So things haven't been great for me lately in regards to my mental health problems but then I remembered that a teacher had shared this poem with me a year ago before she left to go travelling and today when I read it, I felt a great deal of comfort and so I wanted to share this poem with you all. Hopefully you can see why I love this poem. The poem is called Desiderata by Max Ehrmann.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
By Max Ehrmann 1927

You don't know what you've got until it's gone

One of my biggest regrets is ending my therapy sessions with my old therapist and getting referred to CAMHS.

My old therapist was so understanding, caring, compassionate and non judgemental. She was perfect. She spoke the same language as me so it wasn't difficult to explain to her the cultural side of things. She always had the right words to say and not once did I feel uncomfortable and unsafe around her. 

The reason why therapy didn't work out was because I wasn't ready to see her and I wasn't very open minded about therapy. My school, at the time, didn't give me much of a choice. They told me either I do therapy or they will tell my parents about me self harming, and so I chose therapy. The other reason why it didn't work out was because my parents didn't want me seeing her and because I value my parents so much, I ended the sessions for them. In hindsight, ending the sessions for my parents was the wrong thing for me to do because after I got discharged from that service I went through months of no support and that just made my problems escalate out of control. Another reason why therapy didn't work out was because I wasn't honest about my problems. I kept telling her one parts of my problems and not the other parts. This is why now I think it's incredibly important to be honest otherwise nobody can help you. 

The truth is I appreciate her so much more now because she did her very best to help me but I never appreciated the help she had given me. I made myself believe that she was a bad therapist when in fact she wasn't - it was me who was horrible. 

Now that i'm being seen by CAMHS I absolutely hate it. I've been seeing them for nearly a year and they haven't been very helpful. My problems just seem to be getting worse and worse and there's nothing they're doing about it. Over the months, all it's really been is assessments and seeing various different mental health professionals and i'm sick of it. They haven't helped me overcome my self harm, hallucinations, low mood, eating problems etc. It's just been assessments and quite frankly i'm bored of talking about my problems over and over again - it's emotionally draining. I don't understand exactly what CAMHS are doing to help me to be completely blunt. 

Also, I don't feel very comfortable with my psychotherapist. She's nothing like my old therapist. She's not understanding, caring or compassionate she's just someone who sits there shocked about everything I say and that's not very helpful. What I like about my old therapist is that her sessions didn't feel scripted it felt like a conversation whereas with the psychotherapist it feels very scripted. 

It's ironic how when I didn't want help I was assigned to an amazing therapist but now that I genuinely want help i've been assigned to a awful psychotherapist. The saying is very true - you don't know what you've got until it's gone. 

How to help someone with mental health problems?

Finding out your boyfriend, girlfriend, sister or friend has mental health problems can be difficult for anyone to come to terms with - whether it's depression, schizophrenia and anorexia etc. It can make us feel helpless because our loved ones are suffering and there's nothing we can do to help relieve the pain they're going through - it sucks. You might feel like you don't know what to do but hopefully this blog will be helpful to you in some ways.

Be supportive

First things first, It's important to understand that your loved one is going through a distressing time and the most important thing is to be there for them. Sometimes having mental health problems can make a person feel lonely and isolated and the last thing anyone needs is to be told to just 'snap out of it'. The best way, I think, to support someone with mental health problems is to sit down and listen to them. But please don't judge them. The issues they're going through is very real to them and it's affecting their life. 

Expectation

Don't expect them to tell you everything all at once. Bare in mind that talking about mental health issues isn't always easy for anyone to talk about, so just give them some time. 

Encourage

The next step is to encourage them to seek professional help. The best place to start is by taking them to their GP who will then refer them onto a mental health professional. However, the person may be reluctant to seek help so don't force them just keep supporting and encouraging them. If your loved one is already seeing a mental health professional then encourage them to be completely honest. 

You are important too

Sometimes it can be overwhelming to hear that someone you love has mental health problems and it's ok to feel like that. This is why it's important for you to talk to someone about this but It doesn't have to be someone you know. There are many helplines out there that you can call anonymously such as the Samaritans and Young Minds 

If any one of you have any problems or have any questions you want to ask me then please email me on nbwhisper@gmail.com

Feeling extremely low

*This post may be triggering so please don't read this if you're someone who gets easily triggered*

These past few weeks have been filled with a whirlwind of emotions. At one point I felt like my life had meaning and a sense of direction because I started thinking about possible career options and college applications. But now that doesn't seem to be enough for me. I'm back to the place where all my issues are at their deepest and are continuing to darken my mind.

My mood, these past few days, have been at an extreme low. I've been having passive suicidal thoughts, for example wishing I never woke up. I'm extremely low to the point that I don't have the energy to do anything. I can't even get changed or have a shower due to the lack of energy. I can't stop crying hysterically and i've been trying my best to fight the urge to cut. All these feelings of despair, loneliness, anxiety, worthlessness, guilt - these feelings are suffocating me. And every time I try to talk to someone I trust about this, it's as if the words begin to choke me. 

Sometimes no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I can pick myself up from a really, really down point, it just doesn't work. Right now it's Sunday morning for me and despite not having the energy to do things, I have been forcing myself to do some English Language revision. Forcing myself to do things is hard but i've done it and now I'm back to the stage where i want to cry again. It's tough because I thought i was stronger than this - clearly I'm not!

My low mood takes over me in ways that i'm unable to describe because you don't know when it's going to come, you don't know when it's going to capture you and it's so unpredictable. My low mood just seems to be taking my future away from me as far as possible, making it seem distant and unattainable. My future appears bleak to me and It's tough. Really tough.

I'm also tired of putting on a happy facade when deep down I feel lonely and upset. I don't want to pretend that my life is picture perfect to my family. I just want them to be near me and tell me they will always be there for me, or that they will help me fight this demon inside of me. More importantly, I want to feel the love i've been craving for years - something i've been deprived of. Things are really tough for me at the moment. Things have been tough these past few days and I really hope this storm ends. 

*TRIGGER WARNING* Hallucinations, suicidal thoughts, today

Today has been awful. First of all, I was hearing voices throughout the day and that was making me feel anxious as the voices were telling me to do things I didn't want to do. Then at the end of the school day, I was having a chat with my mentor and after that I headed home. On my way home, I started seeing distorted faces and some of them were floating while the others stayed in place. I was feeling really terrified as this was something I had previously experienced before. I then ran home in floods of tears and as I got home I started seeing insects all over the floor. That made me feel even more terrified, and so I ran into my room, locked the door and then put a towel underneath the door to prevent the bugs from coming into my room. Even more terrified - I called up my best friend, Amy, and explained to her what had happened and how that led to me feeling suicidal. She calmed me down and urged me to call the out of hours urgent advice service, which was on my CAMHS appointment card. I did exactly that and after talking to the person on the phone it helped ease my anxiety. She talked me through some distraction techniques that I could try out and then told me to go to A&E if I feel suicidal. 

I really don't want to live like this anymore and suicide feels like an appealing option. But on the other hand, there's a part of me that wants to fight this demon and live my life happy -it's difficult. I've got to think about college applications but after today, applying for colleges is the last thing I want to think about. I'm really not bothered about education. 

I don't understand why I can't live a normal life like my friends. I feel like i'm going crazy everytime I hallucinate. I'm really hoping my psychotherapy sessions will help me overcome this because these sessions are all i've got and if psychotherapy doesn't help me then I don't know what i'm going to do. My greatest fear is never getting better because I know myself better than anyone and if I don't recover then I will seriously consider ending my life. I don't want that and I hope it can be avoided. 

I really, really want my life back :(