Not getting discharged

So these last few days have been eventful. I don't even know where to begin. 

I sent an email to the psychotherapist requesting her to discharge me from CAMHS, and so she tried to get in contact with me regarding that, however i dodged her calls. So afterwards she emailed me and expressed how sorry she was about how i was feeling and that it might be helpful if we could about it. Feeling livid, i emailed her back and the content of the email wasn't very pleasant. It included a lot of swear words, discontent and fury. It was made clear that i wasn't going to return to the clinic.

Just after i sent the email, i began to experience verbal hallucinations which then tipped me over the edge and caused me to hang myself in an abandoned place. I was so close to dying but i was found and urged to go A&E - that didn't happen. I was still experiencing hallucinations and as soon as i got home, i started experiencing visual hallucinations which led to me feeling even more distressed. I was scared and sought help from the urgent out of hours advice line. Surprisingly, they weren't helpful which was disappointing because my first experience with them was really positive. 

After having the weekend to calm down, the psychotherapist got in contact with me and finally i agreed to see her on the day. The session didn't go so well as she told me she wasn't going to discharge me from the service, after i made it clear that i wasn't going to attend any more of her sessions. I guess the reason why perhaps she didn't want to discharge me was because if anything had happened to me and i got discharged, CAMHS would have a lot of questions to answer. So i'm gutted i can't get discharged. I just don't think this service is doing me any good. She then added that she was going to get in contact with my GP and my mum about the series of events so that led to me feeling even more distressed and storming out of the session. She reminded me of the deal i made with the psychiatrist. The deal was that if i experienced any more crisis then i am at risk of being put into inpatient care.

Feeling like i had no one to turn to, i went to see my mentor and connexions worker, and i just broke down crying. They were amazing with me and got me to see a clinical psychologist which was helpful. I really do love these people and they just put a smile on my face. I really don't know what i'd do without them and i'm just glad i've got this support network.

New mentor & connexions

Recently, I got referred by CAMHS to see a mentor who can help me with practical things such as college applications. I met with my new mentor and I have to say i'm pleased about the fact that she's working with me. I felt as though she was really approachable and easy to talk to - qualities I would look for in a mentor. We got on so well that the session went on for two hours rather than 45 minutes because we're both very talkative!

I spoke to her a little bit about my history with mental health problems, and hearing her comments about me were very interesting. She told me that i'm very extrovert, kind, friendly and someone with great people skills. It was very interesting to hear that because I perceive myself as someone who's very unpleasant, boring, rude and pessimistic but i guess not everyone perceives me the way I perceive myself. Her comments gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside and for the first time I actually accepted them as compliments. I'm glad I come across as all those things she mentioned and maybe it's timeIi start believing all the compliments people give me, rather than thinking negatively about myself. It's going to be a challenge thinking positively about myself - but a necessary change.

Not only am I meeting with the mentor, but i'm also getting support from a lovely lady from connexions and a sexual health worker - which is great because now i'm getting support from a team of people. I haven't met with the sexual health worker but I have met with the lady from connexions and she's been helping me by calling up sixth forms and colleges to see if they're willing to accept me onto doing the chosen courses I wish to do. She also emailed my previous head of year because the sixth form team haven't been entirely supportive. Despite the fact that they knew I was struggling, they didn't provide me any intensive support, instead they withdrew me from my exams near the end of the academic year. As a result, this has left me at a disadvantage because now it's harder for me to get into sixth forms/colleges and do the courses I want to do. In all fairness, they should have withdrawn me from my exams a lot sooner rather than later. 

After having my connexions meeting, i've been kicking myself a lot about the fact that the school could have made me sit the exams another time. Due to  mitigating circumstances, exam boards do allow students to sit their exams another time. This is something I didn't know. Or they could have had someone sit with me in lessons and help me cope. Again this is something I  didn't know. Makes sense though - if a student had a broken hand they would be given a scriber. If a student had learning difficulties they would have additional support in place for them. So why is it that a student with mental health problems can't be provided additional support? I am an academically able student but unfortunately I did struggle and now I feel really let down. I might not get to do the courses I want to do. I might not get into sixth form or college. I might have to start looking for employment and i'm just not ready for that. It's really disheartening. I was vulnerable and going through a numerous amounts of mental health crisis. The school were aware of the fact that they could provide me additional support, but they didn't. And how was I suppose to know that I was entitled to get additional support? 

I am really happy about the fact that the issues are being addressed and it's great that i've got an advocate. But like anyone else would be, i do feel really upset. 

I'm not psychotic :)

Recently, things weren't great for me but i'm not going to go into detail on what happened to me. All i will say is that i had a police officer involved and social services and i had to go A&E. As a result, i had a review meeting today with the psychotherapist and psychiatrist and it has been concluded that i am not psychotic regardless of the hallucinations i experience. I'm actually happy about that because i hate labels and i would never agree to take medication. However, it leaves me wondering what's wrong with me. All i have been told is that i have emotional difficulties but to me that's not enough. After todays session i've been thinking of getting discharged from CAMHS because, thinking about it, maybe there's nothing wrong with me and continuing with them is pointless. Also they've given me the impression that there's nothing wrong with me. To be honest, i don't know what's wrong with me and i don't even know why i'm under their service. CAMHS haven't been totally helpful, if anything, seeing them has made my home situation worse. I just think there are people who need more help than i do and it's not fair to take that away from them. But overall i'm really pleased and i think i'm ok with leaving CAMHS. I know i believe in myself and i will cope on my own :)

Psychotherapy went well!

As you can tell from the title, psychotherapy went really well yesterday. For the first time I actually felt comfortable talking to the therapist and this is something she picked up on. She told me that she has seen a massive difference between the first session I had with her and yesterday's session. She also said that because I brought my friends in, that consolidates the fact that I feel comfortable enough to have them around. 

Two weeks ago, she told me she was worried because now that i'm no longer a student at the sixth form it means I wont be getting any support.

Which is why yesterday  she told me she booked me a session with a mentor, which will be taking place in two weeks time. I'm excited about that because now that means I will be getting further support. On the day, I will be getting more information on what I will be mentored on so hopefully I will write a post about that. 

Low mood update

Here I am, a mess. Feeling like i'm stuck in a perpetual state of sadness. One minute i'm optimistic about the future and the next i'm in the midst of negativity. I ask myself When will this vicious cycle end? Why do these negative feelings overpower the positive feelings? These are questions i can't even bring myself to answer. 

Although there have been moments where i've felt genuine euphoria - and i mean TRULY felt, for several months i've been feeling low almost every day. Only this time round there's something different about it. This time it feels intensely unbearable and it feels as though i've been sucked into this black pit and there's no way of getting out of it, because no matter how hard i try to climb back up i just keep slipping back down. The one thing that gave me a bit of comfort and relief from the bundle of negative emotions was self harming, but now it's not helping me. Perhaps it's a good thing that it's not helping me but at the same time it terrifies me. If self harming isn't helping me then what will? How do i escape from my low mood? I do fear the worst.

I feel like i've lost myself. All of the little attributes that made me who i am have been slowly dissipating into nothing. I used to be someone who always worried that i might hurt someone else's feelings. But now, i feel no emotions for them. I just don't care if i upset anyone as now I feel completely withdrawn from my friends and family. I used to be someone who would fight for a cause i believed in but now i've become vulnerable rather than a fighter. I've always been someone who's bubbly but now, according to my best friends,  i've lost that glint in my eyes.  I really hate how all the feelings which i've been trying to bury inside of me have started to unravel because now the people i love are beginning to see. These are only a few examples from my endless list but right now i'm finding it hard to reclaim my old self back and i know it will take a bit of work. I need to fight my inner demons through doing therapy and kick it's ass. I just don't know if i've got any fight left in me but i can only try. 

One thing that keeps going round and round in my head is how much of a failure i am. I've been feeling guilt ridden about several things but one of them was about the fact that i can't get a job and pay my bit for the family. I'm constantly compared to my cousins and i do wish i was more like them.  I just don't feel like i'm any use to myself or anyone. 

On a positive note, i got accepted to be part of the time to change youth panel which  i'm happy about. Hopefully, this will help build my confidence and make me feel good about helping to make a difference for young people. 

Psychotherapy update

Yesterday I had my fifth session of psychotherapy and I can't find a word which sums up how the session went. All of my previous sessions with the psychotherapist were awful but yesterday I felt as though she was trying. That's progress right? What I really appreciate is that yesterday she acknowledged that CAMHS have been messing me about. She then added that, rather than me having fortnightly sessions with her,  weekly sessions is what I deserve because of how the service has been and how keen I have been about recovery. So that's a positive. 

She then asked me to be honest about her and that whatever I say wont offend her. That was difficult but this was my opportunity to be completely honest with her. I told how I feel very uncomfortable talking to her and that it's very tough for me to open up my feelings to her. I then went on to speaking about how my sessions with my old psychotherapist were like and how it's very different from her sessions. Again, that's a positive because she listened to what I had to say and I was very vocal about how I felt. 

Even though the session with her was positive I can't help but feel guilty that I still feel uncomfortable talking to her. She's been trying and i'm here feeling the same. My instincts telling me to end the sessions with her but at the same time i'm too scared to. I'm scared that if I end the sessions I wont have anymore support. I don't know what to do. Maybe there's something wrong with me.

Stuck

What is stuck? To me being stuck is like trying on a dress which is too small and then being unable to get out of that dress. Being in that position would make a person feel helpless and anxious, almost as though there's no way of getting out of it. 

When you suffer from mental health problems being stuck isn't a nice place to be. You're running as fast you can from your problems but then finally reach a place you've never been to and that's when you begin to feel stuck. You start to feel despair, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, guilt and there's no way of escaping. You think to yourself 'hey maybe I can ask that person for help' but then you stop and think 'no way am I asking for help I can deal with this on my own'. However, you know deep down asking for help is the right thing to do. But despite knowing what the right thing is, you just continue to keep on running and feeling even more stuck. Being stuck isn't safe because then your still experiencing the feelings of despair, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness and guilt - except they're getting more and more intense. 

Most people who suffer from mental health problems feel helpless and believe they have no control over their lives. They may also feel as though the intensity of their problems is stopping them from recovering. The truth is we humans have the power to change all of that but it's about grabbing hold of what's being offered and trying them out. So for example if you've got depression and you're being offered psychotherapy then try that out, if that doesn't work then that's fine it's about finding what best suits you. Don't be afraid to explore because if you keep exploring you might finally find something that works best for you. You might find that actually CBT is helping you or maybe medication. If you don't explore then you will remain being in that stuck position and that wont help,  if anything, you will continue to feel worse and then become even more stuck.

Recovery will feel like a long road with bumps and turns but eventually the road will end. And once that road ends, you will then enter the road of living a happier and healthier life. In your road of recovery you will have your supporters root you on but also provide you help when you need it. Embrace those supporters with wide arms because those are the people you will need in your journey of recovery. You might be thinking you don't need them but trust me you do - I know I need them.