Home Treatment Team

Hi Everyone!

Long time no blogging! I thought i'd give a quick update on how i've been doing since i got discharged from CAMHS.

I haven't been doing great. Unfortunately i reached crisis point and tried to end my life a few times. I was then given the option of seeing the home treatment team or get admitted into a psychiatric hospital - i chose the home treatment team. There are so many factors that contributed to my crises and one of them was being rejected from the adult mental health services. I was left feeling abandoned and after a while i gave up on seeking help and wanted to end my life so that i could end the PTSD symptoms and hallucinations.

Initially, my first impressions of the HTT was that i thought they were great because i was treated as unique and not as a 'text book case'. They took me seriously and did listen to my problems so that's a positive. However, my issue was that i had to meet different people everyday and had to repeat my story a lot. They kept asking me to measure my mood and suicidal feelings on a scale of 1-10, which i thought was ridiculous as it cannot be measured.

I was also confused because i kept getting different opinions on diagnosis. One doctor said i had depression, ptsd and psychosis. The other doctor said i had depression, borderline traits and pseudo halucinations. It was confusing and i'm not that bothered with diagnosis as it will probably keep changing. I was suggested medication - sertraline and quetiapine, however i refused them.

Overall, it was an experience. It wasn't entirely negative but that service wasn't for me and i'm so glad i've been discharged from their care. Right now i need to change GP and get re-referred to a mental health service. Fingers crossed my referral doesn't get rejected again!

Discharged

Hi everyone!

I'm so sorry it's been a few months since i've written a post but i haven't been coping with my mental health problems. Over the months i've taken a few overdoses which i'm not proud of but i wasn't coping. Over the months, it's been a struggle and i needed to take a break from everything and just focus on recovery.

Big news - i've officially been discharged yesterday which is Thursday 12th December. I'm so pleased about that because my relationship with my psychotherapist hasn't been the best and, if anything, it's only been detrimental to my mental health. It was such a relief knowing that i didn't have to continue seeing her and now i can focus on getting better. Also, the therapist thought i was going to be really sad about me leaving and she even thought one of my overdoses was due to our ending. Well she was wrong. I'm not going to go into why i took all of the overdoses but i was definitely not feeling sad about our ending!

Yesterday i was late to her appointment and only had 15 minutes with her. It was annoying because i really wanted to tell her how she's made me feel but never mind. Good thing i have told her how i've felt in the past but yesterday i wanted to reinforce just how bad she's made me feel just so i get a bit of closure.

This morning i woke up and i felt this weird feeling. It's hard to explain that feeling. I wasn't sad i left camhs but i got the sudden realisation that i was on my own. I went from seeing a psychotherapist fortnightly, to weekly, to not seeing anyone anymore. I also realised that i'm going to be turning 18 soon which is scary as that means i'm officially an adult. I can't help but feel like i've wasted my childhood and my adolescence.

Now i have to wait until Monday to get my GP to refer me elsewhere but i don't know how long the referral process will take. It could take days, weeks, months, who knows? And between that time what will i do when i have a mental health crisis? I'm not saying i miss my therapist but she was better than nothing. Yes we've had a lot of disagreements but she was someone i turned to when i had problems. Unfortunately i haven't got a lot of support at home so really she was my only mental health support, despite me not liking her.

Although i don't like her, she has got to be the most interesting and irritating therapist i've ever met! And i made it to the end of the therapy with her. I never thought i would and i'm glad i did because at least now i can say that i tried my best with her, no it didn't always work, but the important thing is that i tried and that's something to take away. I persevered even when things weren't working out and i'm very proud of myself for that. I don't hate her at all; we just didn't have a successful therepeutic relationship and that is sad as i really wanted it to work.

I don't want to dwell on the past. I want to move forward and hope that my new therapist will be someone who's non-judgemental, caring, compassionate and someone who gets me.

Not getting discharged

So these last few days have been eventful. I don't even know where to begin. 

I sent an email to the psychotherapist requesting her to discharge me from CAMHS, and so she tried to get in contact with me regarding that, however i dodged her calls. So afterwards she emailed me and expressed how sorry she was about how i was feeling and that it might be helpful if we could about it. Feeling livid, i emailed her back and the content of the email wasn't very pleasant. It included a lot of swear words, discontent and fury. It was made clear that i wasn't going to return to the clinic.

Just after i sent the email, i began to experience verbal hallucinations which then tipped me over the edge and caused me to hang myself in an abandoned place. I was so close to dying but i was found and urged to go A&E - that didn't happen. I was still experiencing hallucinations and as soon as i got home, i started experiencing visual hallucinations which led to me feeling even more distressed. I was scared and sought help from the urgent out of hours advice line. Surprisingly, they weren't helpful which was disappointing because my first experience with them was really positive. 

After having the weekend to calm down, the psychotherapist got in contact with me and finally i agreed to see her on the day. The session didn't go so well as she told me she wasn't going to discharge me from the service, after i made it clear that i wasn't going to attend any more of her sessions. I guess the reason why perhaps she didn't want to discharge me was because if anything had happened to me and i got discharged, CAMHS would have a lot of questions to answer. So i'm gutted i can't get discharged. I just don't think this service is doing me any good. She then added that she was going to get in contact with my GP and my mum about the series of events so that led to me feeling even more distressed and storming out of the session. She reminded me of the deal i made with the psychiatrist. The deal was that if i experienced any more crisis then i am at risk of being put into inpatient care.

Feeling like i had no one to turn to, i went to see my mentor and connexions worker, and i just broke down crying. They were amazing with me and got me to see a clinical psychologist which was helpful. I really do love these people and they just put a smile on my face. I really don't know what i'd do without them and i'm just glad i've got this support network.

New mentor & connexions

Recently, I got referred by CAMHS to see a mentor who can help me with practical things such as college applications. I met with my new mentor and I have to say i'm pleased about the fact that she's working with me. I felt as though she was really approachable and easy to talk to - qualities I would look for in a mentor. We got on so well that the session went on for two hours rather than 45 minutes because we're both very talkative!

I spoke to her a little bit about my history with mental health problems, and hearing her comments about me were very interesting. She told me that i'm very extrovert, kind, friendly and someone with great people skills. It was very interesting to hear that because I perceive myself as someone who's very unpleasant, boring, rude and pessimistic but i guess not everyone perceives me the way I perceive myself. Her comments gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside and for the first time I actually accepted them as compliments. I'm glad I come across as all those things she mentioned and maybe it's timeIi start believing all the compliments people give me, rather than thinking negatively about myself. It's going to be a challenge thinking positively about myself - but a necessary change.

Not only am I meeting with the mentor, but i'm also getting support from a lovely lady from connexions and a sexual health worker - which is great because now i'm getting support from a team of people. I haven't met with the sexual health worker but I have met with the lady from connexions and she's been helping me by calling up sixth forms and colleges to see if they're willing to accept me onto doing the chosen courses I wish to do. She also emailed my previous head of year because the sixth form team haven't been entirely supportive. Despite the fact that they knew I was struggling, they didn't provide me any intensive support, instead they withdrew me from my exams near the end of the academic year. As a result, this has left me at a disadvantage because now it's harder for me to get into sixth forms/colleges and do the courses I want to do. In all fairness, they should have withdrawn me from my exams a lot sooner rather than later. 

After having my connexions meeting, i've been kicking myself a lot about the fact that the school could have made me sit the exams another time. Due to  mitigating circumstances, exam boards do allow students to sit their exams another time. This is something I didn't know. Or they could have had someone sit with me in lessons and help me cope. Again this is something I  didn't know. Makes sense though - if a student had a broken hand they would be given a scriber. If a student had learning difficulties they would have additional support in place for them. So why is it that a student with mental health problems can't be provided additional support? I am an academically able student but unfortunately I did struggle and now I feel really let down. I might not get to do the courses I want to do. I might not get into sixth form or college. I might have to start looking for employment and i'm just not ready for that. It's really disheartening. I was vulnerable and going through a numerous amounts of mental health crisis. The school were aware of the fact that they could provide me additional support, but they didn't. And how was I suppose to know that I was entitled to get additional support? 

I am really happy about the fact that the issues are being addressed and it's great that i've got an advocate. But like anyone else would be, i do feel really upset. 

I'm not psychotic :)

Recently, things weren't great for me but i'm not going to go into detail on what happened to me. All i will say is that i had a police officer involved and social services and i had to go A&E. As a result, i had a review meeting today with the psychotherapist and psychiatrist and it has been concluded that i am not psychotic regardless of the hallucinations i experience. I'm actually happy about that because i hate labels and i would never agree to take medication. However, it leaves me wondering what's wrong with me. All i have been told is that i have emotional difficulties but to me that's not enough. After todays session i've been thinking of getting discharged from CAMHS because, thinking about it, maybe there's nothing wrong with me and continuing with them is pointless. Also they've given me the impression that there's nothing wrong with me. To be honest, i don't know what's wrong with me and i don't even know why i'm under their service. CAMHS haven't been totally helpful, if anything, seeing them has made my home situation worse. I just think there are people who need more help than i do and it's not fair to take that away from them. But overall i'm really pleased and i think i'm ok with leaving CAMHS. I know i believe in myself and i will cope on my own :)

Psychotherapy went well!

As you can tell from the title, psychotherapy went really well yesterday. For the first time I actually felt comfortable talking to the therapist and this is something she picked up on. She told me that she has seen a massive difference between the first session I had with her and yesterday's session. She also said that because I brought my friends in, that consolidates the fact that I feel comfortable enough to have them around. 

Two weeks ago, she told me she was worried because now that i'm no longer a student at the sixth form it means I wont be getting any support.

Which is why yesterday  she told me she booked me a session with a mentor, which will be taking place in two weeks time. I'm excited about that because now that means I will be getting further support. On the day, I will be getting more information on what I will be mentored on so hopefully I will write a post about that. 

Low mood update

Here I am, a mess. Feeling like i'm stuck in a perpetual state of sadness. One minute i'm optimistic about the future and the next i'm in the midst of negativity. I ask myself When will this vicious cycle end? Why do these negative feelings overpower the positive feelings? These are questions i can't even bring myself to answer. 

Although there have been moments where i've felt genuine euphoria - and i mean TRULY felt, for several months i've been feeling low almost every day. Only this time round there's something different about it. This time it feels intensely unbearable and it feels as though i've been sucked into this black pit and there's no way of getting out of it, because no matter how hard i try to climb back up i just keep slipping back down. The one thing that gave me a bit of comfort and relief from the bundle of negative emotions was self harming, but now it's not helping me. Perhaps it's a good thing that it's not helping me but at the same time it terrifies me. If self harming isn't helping me then what will? How do i escape from my low mood? I do fear the worst.

I feel like i've lost myself. All of the little attributes that made me who i am have been slowly dissipating into nothing. I used to be someone who always worried that i might hurt someone else's feelings. But now, i feel no emotions for them. I just don't care if i upset anyone as now I feel completely withdrawn from my friends and family. I used to be someone who would fight for a cause i believed in but now i've become vulnerable rather than a fighter. I've always been someone who's bubbly but now, according to my best friends,  i've lost that glint in my eyes.  I really hate how all the feelings which i've been trying to bury inside of me have started to unravel because now the people i love are beginning to see. These are only a few examples from my endless list but right now i'm finding it hard to reclaim my old self back and i know it will take a bit of work. I need to fight my inner demons through doing therapy and kick it's ass. I just don't know if i've got any fight left in me but i can only try. 

One thing that keeps going round and round in my head is how much of a failure i am. I've been feeling guilt ridden about several things but one of them was about the fact that i can't get a job and pay my bit for the family. I'm constantly compared to my cousins and i do wish i was more like them.  I just don't feel like i'm any use to myself or anyone. 

On a positive note, i got accepted to be part of the time to change youth panel which  i'm happy about. Hopefully, this will help build my confidence and make me feel good about helping to make a difference for young people.